Top 5 Side Characters That Deserve Their Own Movie

28 Aug

I’m not much of a main character girl. I generally find the “hero” to be either self-righteous and tiresome, or “misunderstood”… and, well, tiresome. How can I care about the upstanding guy going through hardships when there’s a guy occasionally in the scene who is chock-full of hilarious remarks? How do I concentrate on Hero vs. Villain when I’m trying to figure out the motives of the villain’s inexplicably weird, crony creepster? I’d much rather spend my time with a Cosmo Brown than a Don Lockwood. A Racetrack than a Jack Kelly. A Pepe the Prawn than a Kermit the Frog. Ugh, Kermit. Don’t even get me started on that froggy, Boy Scout bastard.

But I digress… In honor of these side-characters, David and I have decided to make a list of the five side characters we’d most like to see as the main characters of their own films.

Lara’s List

Floyd

Floyd

“Hey! Get some beer! And some cleaning products!”

5. Floyd (Brad Pitt), from True Romance: Generally I don’t find the dull-witted stoner as amusing as most people do. I do not laugh at their “radical” terminology. I do not snigger at their munchies. However, I consider Floyd, the channel-surfing, pot-smoking roommate from True Romance, to be endearing. I don’t know if it’s his lack of awareness to anything going on around him, his generosity with pot, his ability to keep cool when the mob charges into his house with guns, or his ceaseless television watching, but somehow Floyd is priceless in my book. And I’d love to have a full two hours of insight as to what he does on that couch all day when the mafia aren’t constantly banging on the door.

Pris

Pris

“I think, Sebastian, therefore I am.”

4. Pris (Daryl Hannah), from Blade Runner: So sexy. So creepy. So badass. What more is there to say about Pris the pleasure model? A lot. A whole film’s worth, I wager.

Williams

Williams

“I don’t even waste my time with it. When it comes, I won’t even notice it… I’ll be too busy looking good.”

3. Williams (Jim Kelly), from Enter the Dragon: This man is so cool. He has a black belt, a super tough exterior, AND an afro. He apologizes to a line up of hookers, saying he is awfully tired, but still takes on four of them (not in the karate ring, mind you). Oh, and he knows about comics! Can you say “dreamboat”? If I had money I would independently finance a prequel all about him; Enter the Dragon Origins: Williams. If I had money…

The Frog Brothers

The Frog Brothers

Alan Frog: Aaaaaah! Flies!
Edgar Frog: We’re on the right trail. Flies and the undead go together like bullets and guns.

2. The Frog Brothers (Corey Feldman* and Jamison Newlander), from The Lost Boys: I vividly remember the first time I watched this movie. David had purchased it at the Gloucester Green market in Oxford and insisted that everyone experience it with him as soon as he brought it home. I was only fifteen at the time, still sheltered and not yet desensitized, so I closed my eyes during all the good vampire gore sequences. This means some of the only scenes I saw were the ones involving the Frog Brothers, and boy could they carry the movie. Everything they say, whether it be about comic books or killing vampires, is so straight-faced, I almost can’t handle it. I absolutely adore them. Oh, and I want that “Why Waltz When You Can Rock ‘N’ Roll” t-shirt.

Dudley

Dudley

“You wanna play some word games or do some experiments on me or anything?”

1. Dudley Heinsbergen (Stephen Lea Sheppard), from The Royal Tenenbaums: Even though he only has seven lines, Dudley might just be my favorite character from any movie ever. As far as I am concerned, he is superhuman. Even if he is colorblind, oblivious, and unable to replicate block formations. I would love it if Wes Anderson made a mockumentary of Dudley’s World, showing us more of Raleigh St. Claire’s experiments and research for Heinsbergen Syndrome.

*My cohort has reminded me that Edgar Frog reappears in The Lost Boys: The Tribe. However, he is not the lead character and he is incomplete without his counterpart, so it doesn’t count.

David’s List

The Faun (with friend)

The Faun (with friend)

“I’ve had so many names. Old names that only the wind and the trees can pronounce. I am the mountain, the forest and the earth. I am… I am a faun. Your most humble servant, Your Highness.”

5. The Faun (Doug Jones), from Pan’s Labyrinth:  What does this terrifyingly cool monster do when he’s not helping the long lost daughter of the king of the Underground Realm get home?  I want to see what else the king has him do.  And I want whatever it is to involve those cool little fairies.

Denton Van Zan

Denton Van Zan

“You see, they have great vision during the day, and even better vision at night. But in the failing light, they can’t focus. Magic hour.”

4. Denton Van Zan (Matthew McConaughey), from Reign of Fire:  This is the only role I have enjoyed McConaughey in.  In a way, it makes me sad to watch because I see how cool he could be.  But I would be willing to put all that aside if I was given the chance to see how this cigar chomping mad man and his crew of dragon hunters got all the way from Kentucky to Scotland with fire breathing monsters taking over the world the whole way there.

Commander Franky Cook

Commander Franky Cook

“Alert the amphibious squadron!”

3. Commander Franky Cook (Angelina Jolie), from Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow:  I want to know what happens on a daily basis on the hovering sky airfield that Commander Franky Cook is in charge of.  I want to know how she lost her eye.  I love this character and I love the world she inhabits.  And I really want to see more of the amphibious squadron.

The Wizard Akiro

The Wizard Akiro

“The mounds have been here since the time of the Titans. Kings buried in them… great kings… domains once glittered like the light on a windy sea. Fire won’t burn there… no fire at all. That’s why I live down here in the wind.”

2. The Wizard Akiro (Mako), from Conan the Barbarian and Conan the Destroyer:  I love Mako.  He is the best part of both of these movies, he was the voice of Aku in Samurai Jack and Iroh in Avatar: The Last Airbender, and he might be the coolest man ever.  This character lived in a house built on stilts, in a desert, next to an ocean.  He also became the chronicler of Conan’s life at some point in the future.  And he was completely crazy.  Every line he has is slightly insane.  It’s awesome.

Bill

Bill

“As you know, l’m quite keen on comic books. Especially the ones about superheroes. I find the whole mythology surrounding superheroes fascinating. Take my favorite superhero, Superman. Not a great comic book. Not particularly well-drawn. But the mythology… The mythology is not only great, it’s unique.”

1. Bill (David Carradine), from Kill Bill:  It drives me crazy that Bill is so terribly fascinating, and is in the film for such a small amount of time.  Who is this guy?  How the hell did he get all these beautiful women assassins to work for him?  And why did he throw Michael Madsen in the mix with them?  I want to know all of these things.  I want a movie of Bill’s life.  And I want David Carradine to come back from the dead to give it to me.

Well, there you have it.  I have now admitted in a public way to actually loving both of the Schwarzenegger Conan movies.  Lara has admitted that she is a Corey Feldman fan.  We hope you can understand at least some of these.  We stand by all of these characters and the movies they come out of.

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2 Responses to “Top 5 Side Characters That Deserve Their Own Movie”

  1. Mitchell Holt August 28, 2009 at 1:07 pm #

    Great job, Lara and David. I like your lists. Here’s mine (and, believe it or not, a couple of Lara’s overlap with mine!).

    5. Dudley Heinsbergen (Royal Tenenbaums)
    4. Kevin Spacey (The United States of Leland)
    3. Chris Cooper (Adaptation)
    2. Jason Lee (Vanilla Sky)
    1. Jack Black (High Fidelity)

    • cintussupremus August 28, 2009 at 5:34 pm #

      Awesome list! I actually almost put Chris Cooper in Adaptation. I’d enjoy seeing his fish obsession.
      -Lara

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