CRAPTASTIC FEST: A Weekend of Awful Film in Austin, Texas

1 Oct

As you may know, this past weekend I had the privilege to go to Austin, Texas to see many old friends, one of whom being David of laraandthereelboy fame. I went on this particular weekend because my stay would overlap with Austin’s Fantastic Fest, the largest genre film festival in the United States, and I wanted to see some zombies/circus freaks/galaxy heroes/Sam Rockwells in action. However, when I got to Austin I remembered that I didn’t have any money. That posed quite a problem. So I, unintentionally, had a fest of my own. All weekend long I happened to only watch really terrible movies. I’m talking truly dreadful. It was a Craptastic Fest, if you will. I will now give a brief overview of these film abominations. Please don’t judge.

Of Unknown Origin

Of Unknown Origin

Of Unknown Origin: I bought this movie at Big Lots because it was directed by George Cosmatos (Tombstone, Rambo: First Blood Part II), starred Peter Weller (Robocop), had a very promising looking cover, and was $3. It was not worth $3. The film follows Bart Hughes, a business man with a beautiful wife and son, who goes CRAZY because of a rat infestation in his house. Wait, did I give away all of the plot? Whoops. Because this is all that happens in the whole of the movie, I will start at the very beginning and tell you about the Set Up of the Film. Bart Hughes wakes up. Bart clearly loves his wife because he has sex with her. Bart has a cute kid whose hair he tousles. Wife and kid leave for vacation, Bart stays behind for potential promotion at work. At work Bart flirts with his see-through shirt donning secretary. Life seems pretty good for him. But when he gets home from the office, his dishwasher has apparently broken, as water gushes out from it and floods the kitchen. So Bart calls a plumber. Plumber says that it isn’t the pipes that are causing the problem, rats are. Strike that: one rat is. For some reason Bart takes this as a threat to his masculinity and yells at Plumber. I couldn’t really figure that out. Nor could I figure out how Plumber suddenly becomes a Rat Expert. He spouts out a bunch of information about the evils of rats, and how he once was working on some science experiment and somehow this lead to the over-population of giant rats. Spooky, huh? Bart receives this information but doesn’t hire an exterminator. He decides to take matters into his own hands. The rest of the film is made up of scenes with Bart at work followed by scenes of him at home, sitting back and relaxing, only to be Freaked Out by the giant rat. During this monotonous process we also see interspersing, second-rate shots from the rat’s point of view, a start of an affair between Bart and Sexy Secretary, Bart researching “Rat: Lap Dog of the Devil,” and a random dream in which a rat pops out of a birthday cake. Those are the only other happenings that occur besides Work Bart and Home Bart scenes. I’ve gotta admit that I did not actually devote myself to all 88 minutes of this film. About half way in, my friend and I decided it would be best to watch the rest of the film at 1.5 speed while listening to Wendy Carlos’ Switched-On Bach II on vinyl. But I’m pretty sure I got the gist of it. Please, please don’t spend any of your time on this movie. I mean, besides reading about it.

MIB II

Men in Black II: I first attempted to watch this movie when it came out on DVD in 2002. I was pretty excited; I had long loved Agent Jay’s hilarity and charm, the awesome guns, quoting “Water with sugar,” and general alien hunting motif. I was a bit reluctant, though, because I was afraid it would be too much of an afterthought. “A sequel created five years later? That’s much too long to wait!” Oh, fifteen-year-old Lara, you were so innocent. You had no idea of the Wall Street 2s and The Crystal Skulls that were to come. 2002 spoiled you. I never finished MIB II. I watched approximately 30 minutes of it and then lost interest. I thought that would be the last of it. But this weekend, as some friends and I sat around sipping wine and listening to music, we decided that it would be in our best interest to put muted Men In Black II on the TV. And, no, I didn’t hear any of the dialogue, but I’m fairly confident in guessing that the predictable plot was permeated with plenty of “Oh, hell no!”s from Will Smith, and I’d already filled my quota for that this month.

Cool World

Cool World: See next Monday’s review.

Bloodsport

Bloodsport

Bloodsport: Jean-Claude Van Damme plays Frank Dux, an “American” fighter who decides to participate in Hong Kong’s Kumite, an illegal and deadly martial arts tournament. Since a young age, Dux was trained in the ways of Ninjutsu by a Japanese master who clearly took pity on Dux’s unstated mental retardation. Though he starts out shakily, Dux eventually becomes a fighting prodigy, but only after a montage of training and torture. We find out all of this when Dux goes to visit his old Japanese master to tell him of his Kumite intentions, somehow in the time that it takes Japanese master’s wife to get the tea, Dux is able to stare into space and revisit his whole life. Dux then goes to Hong Kong and makes friends with the only other white people there: a macho, assholey sidekick and a strong-willed female journalist. After this we see brilliant fight scenes packed with poor choreography and fake blood, great ’80s songs that describe what is happening on the screen, AND Jean-Claude’s butt, which looks like a stress ball that has been twisted in the middle. You can imagine my shock as the credits began and stated that the film was “Based on true events in the life of Frank Dux.” Bloodsport doesn’t really fit in the same category with the previously mentioned movies because it is awesome. Craptastic, yes, but also fantastic.

Now you can have your very own Craptastic Fest! Go out and rent the most terrible movies you can think of. I highly recommend Bloodsport. Then come back here and share your experiences! It’ll be so much fun and not at all a waste of your time.

Wishing I had six of these eight hours back,

Lara

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6 Responses to “CRAPTASTIC FEST: A Weekend of Awful Film in Austin, Texas”

  1. Susan October 1, 2009 at 5:48 pm #

    You watched Cool World again?

    • cintussupremus October 2, 2009 at 12:49 pm #

      Yes I did. And this time I actually watched it to the very end. Can you believe it?

  2. Tiffany October 2, 2009 at 8:09 pm #

    I’m anticipating an excellent Cool World review.

    • cintussupremus October 2, 2009 at 8:43 pm #

      I will try and do it justice. Andy and I thought of you when Brad Pitt crashed his motorcycle. Then again I think of you when Brad Pitt does anything. Who wouldn’t?

  3. Desiree October 5, 2009 at 12:05 am #

    I really thought you were about to trash Bloodsport and I was going to be crushed. Phew!

    • cintussupremus October 5, 2009 at 1:16 pm #

      Never would I trash Bloodsport!

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