Tripp Page’s Trial By Netflix, Week 2 According to Greta Review

30 Jun

This is Tripp’s review of According to Greta, which won the voting last week.  Just so you know, there are major spoilers.  So if you really want to see According to Greta, starring Hilary Duff, you might now want to read this.  Otherwise, please enjoy Tripp’s review.  The list of new Netflix movies should be up tomorrow.  (I’m sorry we suck this week.  We’ll do better.  I promise.)

That about sums up my feelings about According to Greta staring Hilary Duff. I should end the review right here. All of you awful people picking this movie. Awful terrible people. That is ok however, I have the resolve of a T-Rex fighting Batman. MOVING ON.

According to Greta is about a teenager named, insufferable bitc…I mean Greta. Greta, like most 17 year old girls forced to live with her grandparents on the New Jersey Shore (Sorry, there is no Situation here), is of course, suicidal. Suicide is a touchy subject and one that when placed upon the main character should make you feel for them. Make you want to pour acid over your chest while falling into a pit of sharks. Hilary Duff however makes you cheer for suicide, like the underdog in a bland sporting movie. There was nothing I wanted more than to see Greta end her life. I think I am letting my hate, which is strong, get in the way.

Greta as I mentioned, is forced to move in with her Grandparents in New Jersey while her Mother is trying to work out marriage problems with her (as we are lead to believe) 9th new husband. Greta makes New Jersey sound like the ship Event Horizon (IE: Hell) and that simply being there will somehow make her age 80 years and open up a void to the netherworld.

Greta carries around a journal, not one of those new fancy Internet journals, but an old school one made of paper. I know, easily suicidal. In said journal she keeps two main things, angst and bitchery…er, ways to kill her self and things to do before she kills herself. On the latter list, ‘Get into a fist fight with a grown man.’ I have never wanted anything to happen more in my life than to see that come true. Spoiler alert, she marks it off her list when she sees two grown men beating the hell out of each other. For shame.

Greta’s grandparents, who are instantly likeable because they are not Greta, happen to be nice enough people. Here is a basic rundown of how they roll:

‘Greta, we are really happy to have you here.’

‘SHUT UP GRANDPARENTS. I HAVE ANGST’

‘You are free to do whatever you want, if you want spending money you need a job’

‘FINE. I HAVE ANGST.’

‘You have upset us Greta, please apologize’

‘MY MOM IS STUPID I DO WHAT I WANT. AAANNGGGSSSTTTTTT’

See? You feel bad for her Grandparents. What unholy sins did they commit in their past lives to have to deal with this?

Soon, Greta gets a job at an upscale restaurant by literally walking in, acting like a bitch and demanding a job. You know the way some people hate the show Glee? That is how much I hate Greta. Maybe more. Ok, more. There is a bright side to this whole Greta working thing, we get to meet an enjoyable character that is a delight to have on screen! Julie, played by Evan Ross, is the film’s love interest. He is a young ruffian with a jaded past and is, by far, the most interesting character. He mentions to Greta during a nice walk home that he was in prison after stealing a car, yet he has turned from those ways and wishes for nothing more to be a chief at his own restaurant. Greta mentions to her dear journal that she likes this boy (!!!) and invites him over for lunch.

Enter the best scene in the movie. Julie walks up to Greta’s grandparents house in upscale New Jersey while Grandmother is outside tending the garden. Julie clears his throat, ‘Ma’am?’. Greta’s grandmother, without skipping a beat, ‘Sorry we don’t want any.’ OH IT GETS BETTER. Julie looks confused before letting out, ‘Is Greta here?’. Our loveable Grandmother then gives Julie the look of ‘…but you are black.‘.  Of course, the racist grandmother soon grows out her 1950’s self and warms up to Julie over lunch. Then Greta roars her head-of-unlikable-wish-to-punch-in-the-face…face. Turns out, her only reason for inviting Julie over was to mention how he stole a car to make her Grandmother feel bad. Yes. Greta is that unlikeable.

The true high point of According to Greta comes when Greta, Julie and the Grandparents are all out on the Grandfather’s boat enjoying a nice day out. Greta is left alone for but a moment at the ..stern, port, waterside…Front of the boat. She looks down and notices an anchor at her feet. Greta gets that look in her eye, ‘This would be an interesting way to die.’ My heart started to race. Yes. Please let this happen. Of course, I knew it wouldn’t, I mean come on. This film is far to perti…wait…WHAT. The rope is around her foot…she…she is going in the water…YES. YES. GRETA IS DROWNING! It was magical. That is until Julie jumps in and saves her. Sad face. Sad face.

This is where Greta ‘changes’ and decides she wants to live life and give flowers to elderly people. The ‘resolution’, if you will, for According to Greta is the Grandmother, Greta’s Mother and Greta all sitting around looking at old photos.

So. Much. Hate.

Keep an eye out, new list of instant view Netflix movies going up for voting!

– Tripp Page

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5 Responses to “Tripp Page’s Trial By Netflix, Week 2 According to Greta Review”

  1. Shane Bridges June 30, 2010 at 5:36 pm #

    Hahahaha oh man, added to instant queue. Thank you Tripp.

  2. Susan June 30, 2010 at 6:38 pm #

    No, I watched that movie. It was the most terrible thing I’ve seen in a long time.

  3. Desiree July 1, 2010 at 8:40 pm #

    OMG did anyone else see the tagline on the poster??? “She’s a trip, but she’s no vacation.” Bahahahaha! How dare they call her a trip(p) am I right?!?

  4. alex August 3, 2011 at 1:38 pm #

    Honestly, it wasn’t that bad. I agree, could’ve been a little better. But i felt sorry for Greta. No one deserves the life she has and she turned herself around. Yes, suicide is a touchy subject and i find it offensive that you would cheer for suicide. I felt Hilary Duff portrayed the role well based on how this was not a common role for her. She learned her lesson and the movie expressed that suicide can potentially hurt the people around you even though she didn’t realize that until the end. I have a friend who was suicidal and to cheer for that? no one, not even the worst people deserve to die. Maybe you should think carefully on what that really means and on the message of the movie.

  5. Tripp November 8, 2011 at 4:39 pm #

    Person above me. “Maybe you should think carefully on what that really means and on the message of the movie.”. I did. My conclusion is that the character of Gretta should have thrown herself on a building into a pit of sharks with chainsaw arms.

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