Facial Hair Friday, #64

11 Nov


Here’s the deal. There’s been a lot of goings-on of late concerning my Favorite Event of the Year Every Year; the Academy Awards. And not the good kinds of goings-on, in which they announce that some movie-obsessed girl in Austin is going to be flown to the ceremony in order to sit between Will and Maggie Smith– but the kind where that same girl is stressed out of her mind because she is under the impression that her FEOTYEY is to be quashed. Let me describe to you the almost dire circumstances via men who have, at one point or another, had facial hair.
1. Brett Ratner, “The Douchebag”
Credits (as director)
The Good*: Rush Hour 1 & 2, Money Talks, Madonna’s “Beautiful Stranger” video
The Bad: Red Dragon, New York, I Love You,  Mariah Carey’s “Heartbreaker” video
The Ugly: Rush Hour 3, X-Men: The Last Stand
So, to keep things “fresh” or whatever the hell, the Academy Board decided to hire Mr. Ratner to produce this year’s award ceremony. Everything was hunky-dorey until this sub-par Michael Bay-wannabe started dropping no-nos during big big interviews. Things like:
  • “I’m a hypochondriac. Before I go all the way, I send the girl to the doctor and check them for everything. My doctor has a test to tell if you’re going to catch something in the future even.” – – on precautions before sleeping with Lindsay Lohan (The Howard Stern Show)
  • “She was hanging out on my set of ‘After the Sunset,’ I banged her a few times…but I forgot her.” – on Olivia Munn (G4)
  •  “Rehearsal? What’s that? Rehearsal’s for fags.” –  (at a Tower Heist screening)
And, for some odd reason, they asked him to step down from producing the show. Which left this lady with mixed feelings, much as I don’t like the guy, it was quite worrisome; it’s only four months until the ceremony and, though he’s a total prick, I could see him putting on a good production. Especially since he got his friend to host:
2. Eddie Murphy, “The Once-Funny Comedian, Now-Potentially-Funny-Again-Comedian”
The Good: “Saturday Night Live”, Beverly Hills Cop 1 & 2, Trading Places, Coming to America, Life, Mulan
The Bad: Shrek 1 & 2, The Nutty Professor, Doctor Doolittle, Beverly Hills Cop 3
The Ugly: Shrek 3 & 4, Norbit, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, “Donkey’s Caroling Christmas-tacular”
Remember hilarious Eddie Murphy? “Raw”?! That is The Shit. He wears a purple leather jacket WHILST remaining the straightest man ever. It’s an art. And that’s only part of it– he’s also so hysterical that you feel don’t feel like a horrible person for laughing at Stevie Wonder’s blindness. Recently he’s been, well… I don’t know about him in his personal life, but in his movies… more fat-suited, middle aged man, less suave smart-mouthed rock-star. All the more reason to anticipate his Oscar hosting– it’d be him as him! No more crappy family movies just to make a dime! Eddie as Eddie in front of a room of richie rich’s christmas wishes, what more could you ask for to re-start his career as an actual funny person? BUT! Since his good friend who got him the gig, Douchey McDirectorson, dropped out of the ceremony Eddie had to be Loyal VonWussiface and decline from hosting. Oh my gosh. And this is all four months before The Day. What are they going to do? Cancel the Academy Awards? Postpone them? Try to hire stupid, young people again and totally besmirch the ceremony as we know it? These were all my thoughts while trying to sleep last night. WHAT IS TO HAPPEN? Oh I’ll tell you what’ll happen– they’ll go and get this guy
3. Billy Crystal, “Best Oscar Host Ever”
The Good: When Harry Met Sally, The Princess Bride, Monsters Inc., “When Harry Met Sally 2”, City Slickers, EVERY OSCAR SHOW HE HAS HOSTED
The Bad: My Giant, America’s Sweethearts, Father’s Day
The Ugly: The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle, Analyze That 
Huzzah! Worry not, dear friends, for the Best Oscar Host Ever is back where he belongs. Remember how he presented something during last year’s ceremony and put poor James Franco and Anne Hathaway to shame in the three minutes he was on stage? Well, someone important must have made a mental note for he is back in the driver’s seat. And there is nothing that could make me happier. Thank you, Academy, for not being dumbasses for once.
breathing again,
*In this instance, “good” is a relative term.

One Response to “Facial Hair Friday, #64”

  1. daniela November 11, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    i expected some credit to the giver of good news, but that’s fine. at least it’s true. hopefully steve martin will join him for a musical number #MAGIC

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