Films We’ve Watched: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

6 Dec

ALAS! After what seemed like an eternity, the Twilight saga has finally come to a close. It was the fall of 2008 that Twilight was released, and Summit has been able to make sure that their audience doesn’t grow out of Cullen mania by churning out five movies in four years. That’s 1+ film/year! A sparkly miracle, to be sure! How did they do it? I’ll tell you, my young padawan (or Twilight equivalent—let’s say “padaswan”): they used virtually the same story five times, pumped them full of sexual tension, teenage emotion (AKA exhaling sounds), and shoddy CGI. Which, of course, brought in over A BILLION DOLLARS. No judgments on my part, however, as I’ve seen all but the first in the theater and might even own two of them…and Twilight: Scene It…But I’m making no official confirmation of any of these self-proclaimed allegations. I will admit, however, that I felt a tinge of melancholy as I took my seat at Breaking Dawn: Part 2, knowing it would be the last time this insane teen craze would completely confound me. I’d grown fond of my odious cage. Thankfully, the final chapter did not let me down.

Twilight Breaking Dawn

So, what makes this movie different from the others?

Bella became a vampire/mommy! But let’s take it back a step, in case you missed the last, grotesque chapter, Breaking Dawn: Part 1. Bella and Edward got married, and true to his dominating fashion, Edward picks the location of their honeymoon and conceals it from Bella, despite her objection to surprises. Oh, but it’s so romantic; he takes her to a questionably secluded sex hut on an island, somewhere off the coast of Rio de Janeiro. At said sex hut, they have one roll in the proverbial hay, and after he sees that he left a bruise on her, he withholds sex from her for the rest of the honeymoon. That’s the Edward we’ve grown to know and love! Bella begs for more to no avail and then gets sidetracked because she’s super pregnant a week after getting to finally DO IT. What ensues is a not-so subtle abortion debate that lasts the entire film, while our heroine slurps on cups of animal blood. She, for once, gets her way and has the baby—only problem is it’s half-vampire and therefore EATS ITS WAY OUT OF HER. Yeah. Just mull over that for a minute. So Bella’s all losing tons of blood since her baby just totally destroyed her lady-parts and the only way to save her—to turn her into a vampire. Huzzah! What she’s wanted all along! Bella gets to have her cake AND eat it, too. She and Edward name the baby after both of their mothers, creating the hybrid Renesmee. Seriously? You’re going to risk your own life for your child’s and THEN name her Renesmee?! That almost bothers me more than the fact that Jacob (remember him? The dreamy Adonis of a werewolf?) sees this INFANT CHILD and imprints on her, making him unconditionally bound to her for the rest of his life, first as protector, later as lover. Just when you thought the series couldn’t get creepier…

Now we’re up to speed! Breaking Dawn: Part 2 begins with vampire Bella meeting her daughter, whom she is somewhat interested in. Jacob acts overly protective of Renesmee and then confesses to Bella his bizarre, intense bond to her daughter. She fumes and hits him, and we see Kristen Stewart “act” (which is code for “not cower”) for the first time in the series. Somehow she gets over the news quickly, whether Edward convinces her it’s a good thing or she just isn’t interesting enough to be deeply disturbed by the news; the point is moot as, with the rest of the films, when anything thought-provoking is presented it is met with a feeble acknowledgment and then abandoned. Which takes me to:

Bella catches her first mountain lion.
Vampire Bella. For four films, we’ve heard the Cullens’ horror stories of when they first turned. Unable to control their thirst for human blood as “newborns”, they murdered and pillaged before becoming “vegetarian vampires” (who only eat animal meat), a past that they struggle to come to terms with throughout the rest of their (kind of) lives. And here it is proven that Twilight is perhaps history’s most anti-climactic franchise. Bella’s long-awaited vampire transformation resolves to almost nothing. The insatiable hunger for humans, which all the vampires before have warned her of, is somehow a non-issue. There is one instance on her first, hysterical hunt, in which she craves a person and she gets over it IMMEDIATELY. This person who has been spineless throughout the entire series is somehow able to be the first bloodsucker to totally abstain from killing humans. Like that. She wants to eat this rock climbing dude, Edward appears and tells her not to, she changes course and kills the first appallingly computer generated mountain lion she sees. Done and done. Inexplicable and wholeheartedly disappointing–in keeping with the rest of the “saga”.

Exactly what does being a “Cold One” mean for Bella then? It means:

  • More eyeshadow.
  • Smiling (/having emotion).
  • Herculean strength.
  • Vampire intercourse, which is apparently, like, the best ever. And it allows the audience to think about sex again, because, let’s face it, that’s what the series is all about.
  • Supernatural powers (in her case: invisible force fields).
  • SPARKLING IN THE SUN.
  • The miraculous ability to keep from tucking her hair behind her ear and biting her lip.

You know, all the characteristics from vampirelore of old.

There’s lots of innuendo and montages of Renesmee growing up (which she does rapidly since she’s half-vampire and that’s a thing), and then, for some reason, Shannon from “Lost” stirs up trouble by betraying the Cullens to the Volturi (AKA evil Italian vampires with English accents). The rationale is unimportant, but it once again allows the Cullens to form and train a team to fight against the Volturi — this time from all around the world, with CRAAAZY foreign outfits and stuff! The audience is introduced to a myriad of characters with totally awesome powers within a ten minute period: it’s like X-Men, except totally uninteresting and saturated with atrocious accents. But it’s all for a reason, right? At least this time there HAS to be a huge battle and they’ll finally be rid of the Volturi! Well, I’m sorry to report that (SPOILER), as was the case in the terrifically forgetful Eclipse, the war that’s hyped up for the entirety of the film (as well as the rest of the series) is over within minutes. With hardly any struggle. Oh, Stephenie Meyer, you failed to execute a compelling ending yet again!

Vampires Around the World
Not wishing to end this on an anticlimactic note akin to the movie, I now present:
THE WORST OF THE WORST

  • Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson pretending to be parents. Robert Pattinson’s discomfort at holding a child is palpable, he ACTUALLY has his head turned away from her in most scenes they share. Oh, and Kristen Stewart being motherly: priceless.
  • Not enough Michael Sheen. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again- he is the franchise’s only Actor. Use him!
  • The running. Running has been a major source of humor in the series: always so fast, always in front of such obvious green screens. In Breaking Dawn: Part 2, not only do we get to see Edward and Bella dash through the woods like bats out of hell, but a war scene that is almost entirely composed of sprinting. The filmmakers try to make it cool, but it Just Isn’t. I’m sorry, but running can only be rousing when it is (a) from explosions, or (b) in slow motion to a Vangelis score.
  • Jacob and Renesmee’s creepy father/daughter, brother/sister, lover/lover relationship…
  • CGI Baby face. I honestly don’t even know how to elaborate on this poor film decision. Infant Renesmee looked like she was out of an E-Trade commercial for the sake of—I don’t know, making her look exactly the same as she would at 8 years old, which for some reason the audience needs more than a normal-looking baby. It was unnecessarily distracting from the sub-par acting of the movie.
  • The film literally ends with words on a page, something like “and they loved each other forever…” and a book closing. BRILLIANT! This billion dollar saga concludes with a device too cheesy even for a made-for-TV movie. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Bizarro CG baby Renesmee.

Bizarro CG baby Renesmee.

Well, I could go on forever. I have truly adored hating the Twilight movies. But it is time to hang up my Team Jacob hat forever and move on. Thankfully, according to the trailers that showed before the film, there is a whole heap of paranormal teen romances to fill the Twilight-mocking hole in my heart.

Hold on tight, spider monkey,
Lara

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One Response to “Films We’ve Watched: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2”

  1. beliebinme December 6, 2012 at 12:45 pm #

    Twilight movies/books aren’t the best ever, but you were too harsh, lol.

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