Facial Hair Friday, #72: HOLIDAY HARDINESS

21 Dec

It’s the most wonderful time of the year: when cocoa and conifers perfume the air and our lives become occupied by gifts and Jesus and love. And Christmas movies. A yearly essential in the holiday season, of course, is Home Alone as well as its : Lost in New York follow-up. And no matter how many times I watch them (1 or 2 X every December for 20 years= 1,000 viewings) the second movie doesn’t get any less ridiculous. Strike that: the more I see them the more ridiculous Home Alone 2 becomes. The first half is much like the original film, filled with mischief and magic and Kevin judging a scary-looking person and taking it back in the safest lesson for kids ever– but then something happens in the second hour. Kevin, who in the first film was merely trying to protect himself and his house, crosses the line to the dark side. Though he could just call the cops on the Sticky Bandits, he instead lures them to a booby-trap riddled, abandoned mansion of torture. The violence starts off with a bang, as Kevin HURLS bricks at Marv’s face from three stories up– and it only gets worse from there. The ability to withstand such life-threatening torment has lead me to believe that Marv–who really gets it worse than Harry, let’s admit it–is superhuman. The reason (most definitely probably): his facial hair.

Home Alone 2 Marv

They should have called HIM Harry.

Such glorious chops, such a velvety mustache and beard. This, and the power of Chanukah, I believe are the reasons why Harry has stamina even Superman would envy. I mean, he survives sucking brick, falling down a giant hole repeatedly, drinking paint, plummeting from three stories up, a giant medal rod to the face, and, let’s not forget, electrocution. That, truly, is the high/low point of all the hijinx. This gangly doof gets electrocuted to the point of TURNING INTO A SKELETON AND SINGING OPERA and lives to tell the tale! Remarkable.

Marv Skeleton

Happy Chanukah, Marv,



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